The Beloved
by hobbleit
Summary: Chryed.  It's been a year since Christian and Syed split up.  Can they find a way back to each other?  Rating changed to *M*
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: I'm back with a new story... but I'm not posting the summary until chapter two. Going to keep the mystery for a bit longer.**

**Disclaimer: Needless to say I don't have anything to do with Eastenders, I don't own the show or characters and I make no profit from this. I do, however, really enjoy causing them pain :D  
**

**The Beloved**

**Chapter One**

He had to admit it still hurt even though a year had gone by. He often thought about how that one night had destroyed everything. One argument too many had pushed them apart for the last time and they had decided it was best for all to call it a day. It surprised him how easy it had been to give up on everything he had given up his old life for and he wondered why he hadn't fought harder to keep them both together. But it had been too difficult, the occasional fights had escalated to every day; they had spent longer fighting than having normal conversations. They both knew it had to end, he just didn't know how easy it would be.

What had been more difficult, though, was letting go of all the feelings he had. It still hurt just as much as it had a year ago and that feeling was showing no sign of abating. It was a deep ache, penetrating him right to the very depths of his soul until he became used to having it there. It was a part of him now and he was learning to live with it. However hard it was.

Of course, there was no way he could have stayed after they had split so he left quietly, didn't say goodbye to anyone, not even his family. Not that they would have cared anyway. He'd burnt that bridge a long time ago.

He hadn't expected to see him again, the animosity had been too great but it was inevitable and he did six months after they had broken up. The world just wasn't that large. There was no grand reunion and in hindsight it felt rather anti-climatic, especially considering all they had gone through to be together in the first place. He had seen him in the street and he could feel his heart stop, even after all that time he still had the power to do that. He had wanted to go up to him and speak to him, ask him how he was, tell him that he missed him but he didn't even go up to him. He was with someone, another man. They were hugging and laughing. He looked genuinely happy to be with this new man and why shouldn't he? It was probably a happy and uncomplicated relationship. They probably met and fell in love without having to go through all the pain that no relationship should ever have to endure. He turned away when he saw them kiss, he wasn't that much of a masochist. He ran back to his flat, slamming the door shut before he broke down in tears. It was at that moment he realised that they were never going to be together again. He realised it was time to move on.

He had met David at work and they had slowly started a relationship, there was no way he was going to rush into another one so soon again. It was nice but it wasn't serious and both of them knew that. It wasn't meant to be an epic romance, the stuff of legends. It was ordinary, filled with nights out to the cinema and sitting on the sofa on a Sunday morning reading the paper. They fought and made up, sat together in comfortable silence and had sex deep into the night. He was under no pretence though. It wouldn't last.

* * *

The first thing he noticed when he picked up the post was the hand written letter, he didn't get one of those very often. He opened it and stared blankly at the photograph included, ignoring the letter. He hadn't been expecting this, not in a million years and it knocked him for six. He felt his heart lurch into his mouth. Why now? Why had he chosen now to get back into contact? Did he expect him to call, to go and see him? He couldn't take this, he felt sick. He wanted to read the letter but he didn't have the nerve. He didn't want to get his expectations up only to have them dashed by reading what he had to say.

He closed his eyes and tried to steady his breath. Once he managed to bring his feelings under controlled he opened them and steeled himself to read the letter but he was interrupted.

"What have you got there Syed?"


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: He he now time for the summary :D. I thought of this story after reading the mass of speculation of the WFCTGIO regarding the upcoming surrogacy plotline. This story is an AU based on the theory that if Roxy was to become pregnant with Christian's baby then Syed would be sidelined and what might happen because of that. This is pure speculation designed to create as much drama as I can fit into a fic :D**.

**Italics represent events in the past**

**Chapter Two**

Syed. It was always Syed, never Sy. Christian was the only person to call him that. In a way he was glad David never called him that since it was a name that belonged solely to Christian, it kept them connected even though they weren't together.

"Syed?" He heard David ask again, pulling him away from his thoughts.

"Sorry?" He replied.

"I asked what have you got there?"

"Oh, it's just a letter from a friend. He sent me a picture of his baby," Syed flashed the photo at David to show him quickly. "He's just giving me an update on how they're doing."

"That's nice of him. I don't suppose I've ever met this friend," he pushed Syed for an identity; trying not to sound jealous but failing.

"No, you've never met him. I haven't seen him for about a year, not since I moved away," he half lied. He had seen Christian since but since they hadn't actually spoken it didn't count. "I should send him a card or something to congratulate him."

"Sounds like a nice idea. I have to go to work so I'll see you tonight," Dave leaned in and kissed Syed before grabbing his jacket and heading out the door.

Once he was gone Syed opened the letter and read it.

_**Sy,**_(That name again. Always that name)

_**I need to see you, please. If you're willing can you call me so we can arrange to meet? You know the number.**_

_**Love you always**_

_**Christian**_

Syed felt his heart lurch into his mouth. He had not been expecting this. After the way they had left things he had never expected Christian to ever contact him again. He had mixed feelings about this. On one hand, he wanted to see Christian, to find out how he was and what he was up to. On the other hand he didn't want to get into another fight with him which would make him feel any worse than he already did. He turned his eyes to the photograph Christian had included. He was sitting on the sofa in his flat, the sofa they had spent so much time together on when they were a couple. In his arms was a small baby, obviously a girl from the pink clothing. He had a huge smile on his face, he looked so happy to have the child he had dreamed about. Syed smiled softly to himself, allowing himself to be lost in the moment before he had to face the reality of the situation.

Should he see Christian? Should he allow himself to be put in that vulnerable position again? It had taken him long enough to even start to get over the man he was head over heels in love with and he was afraid that seeing him would only just stir up a lot of feelings that he didn't want to feel. He didn't want to meet up with Christian only to have his heart broken once again. He couldn't take the pain anymore. He couldn't decide.

* * *

"_You're not happy," Christian observed, his eyes filling up with tears._

"_I'm not happy," Syed confirmed sadly. "I haven't been for a while."_

"_Can I do anything to make you change your mind?"_

"_There's nothing you can do. It's too late for that."_

_The fight had been vicious. They had ripped into each other until they were both exhausted and did not have the energy to fight any longer. Now they just sat opposite each other, watching the disintegration of their relationship._

"_I can't make it better?" Christian asked._

"_I wish you could but you can't. It's been going on for so long. I know you didn't mean to do it but you really hurt me. You went behind my back, rushed into something without thinking and you kept me out of the loop at every point. Do you know how it feels? I was pushed out of my own relationship to the point where I felt you weren't even my partner, that I didn't count for anything. I love you, Christian, I really do but I can't do this anymore. I can't just sit by and watch us destroy our relationship so I think it's best that I leave."_

"_You don't have to."_

"_Yes I do." Syed replied, allowing the tears to fall down his face. "I just can't stay."_

* * *

Syed picked up his phone and scrolled through his contacts until he came to Christian's name. Even though they had split up Syed couldn't bear to delete his name from his mobile. He closed his eyes and breathed deeply before he pressed the dial button. He held the phone to his ear and waited for Christian to answer.

"Sy," Christian answered, making Syed's heart stop. It had been a year since he had heard that sexy voice and it still had the same effect on him it had back then.

"I got your letter," he responded, hoping he didn't sound like a complete idiot. "That's a lovely photo you sent."

"Thanks," Christian sounded proud at the compliment. "And thanks for getting in touch."

"So... You want to meet?"

"Yeah. I wanted to speak with you and clear the air. We didn't exactly part on the best of terms."

"I know," Syed sighed. "Where do you want to meet?"

"Not Walford. I don't want to stir anything up."

"I agree," Syed didn't particularly want to go back, too many bad memories. "There's a cafe near to where I live. We can meet there," he suggested.

"Sounds perfect. What time?"

"How about one?"

"I'll be there."

"Okay. I'll see you later," Syed said and then hung up the call. He didn't have a good feeling about this but he was going to go ahead with it. He at least owed Christian that.

* * *

Syed took a deep breath before he entered the cafe. He wanted to make himself seem more confident than he actually felt. He could see Christian sitting at a table when he glimpsed through the window. He looked good. Really good. It just made Syed feel even more nervous. His shaky hand reached out and grabbed the handle of the door and he pulled it open in preparation to enter.

Christian stood up from his seat when he saw Syed enter the cafe and he felt his heart skip a beat. He hadn't seen Syed in so long. He smiled as Syed approached him and he greeted his former lover.

"Hi," Christian greeted nervously, his eyes never leaving Syed.

"Hello," Syed smiled back before he took the seat opposite Christian. "How've you been?"

"I've been good, yourself?"

"Yeah, I've been good too," Syed replied. So it had come to this? Their entire relationship had been reduced to polite chit chat about nothing in particular. It made Syed sad to think that. "So what did you want to see me about?"

"I just wanted to see you," Christian confessed. "I wanted to know how you are and what you've been up to. I missed you."

"I missed you too. A lot," Syed told him. "There were days when I would wonder if I did the right thing by leaving."

"You did what you thought was best. I can't blame you for that."

"But there has to be a reason why you wanted to see me especially after a year. Why did you write to me?"

"I wanted to see you from the moment I left. I wanted to apologise for being such an idiot. I wanted to say sorry for treating you the way I did, you didn't deserve that."

"It's water under the bridge. I'm not angry at you anymore, I just wish you had talked to me."

"I was wrong I know that. I just got so wrapped up in my own thing that I didn't consider how you felt about everything. The night you left I said some awful things and it's been on my mind for a year and I regret every single minute of it. Mostly, though, I regret not telling you I was sorry."

"We both said a lot of hurtful things that night, not just you and I regret them too. But we can't take them back so there's no use dwelling on the past. It's not going to change anything."

"I know. I'm not trying to go back to what we had, I just... I just wanted to see you," Christian's voice cracked as he spoke. Syed knew it was time to change the topic.

"The photo you sent was sweet. What did you call her?"

"Laura."

"That's a nice name. She's beautiful."

"Thanks," Christian smiled and looked proud at Syed's compliment.

"Like her dad," Syed smiled softly back. He suddenly started to feel very uncomfortable but he didn't know why. Actually, if he was honest with himself, he knew exactly why he felt uncomfortable but he wasn't particularly feeling in an honest mood. "I should go." He told Christian as he abruptly stood up, he need to get out of there before he did something he would regret. "I need to get back."

"Okay," Christian replied sensing Syed's unease. Even after all this time he could still read Syed like a book. He had always been so open to Christian even when he was lying to himself. "I'd like to see you again."

"I don't know if that would be a good idea. We're not together anymore, it might be too awkward." _It might be too hard, _Syed thought but didn't say that out loud.

"Can we try it? As friends? You never know, it might work out for the best."

Syed paused for a moment and thought about what Christian was asking. Could he put himself through that again? Could he risk his heart once more for the man he loved? He couldn't deny it was what he wanted, he just didn't know how easy or hard that would be. "Okay," he said uncertainly. "I'd like that."

"Great. You should visit and meet Laura. She'd love you."

"I'd like to meet her but let's take one step at a time. We do have a lot to catch up on."

"Yeah, let's not move too fast."

"There is one thing I'd like to know."

"And what would that be?"

"How did you find out my address? I never told you where I was living."

Christian grinned mischievously. "It's a secret."

"Did you ask Tam?"

"How'd you guess?"

"He's the only one I told. He's the only one who cares where I am."

"I care."

"I know," Syed told him, the air heavy with regret. "I really need to go now, I have some things I need to take care of."

"I won't keep you any longer. Call me if you want to catch up."

"I will," Syed nodded as he turned to leave. Once he was out of the door he rushed away as quickly as he could. He didn't want Christian to see him cry.

* * *

The door slammed shut, breaking the deafening silence of the flat. Syed leaned against the wood and sank to the floor, his head in his hands. He felt the hot tears stream down his face but he didn't wipe them away.

He didn't think it would be that hard to see Christian again. He'd managed to stay composed for their meeting but now he was falling apart. He hadn't lied to Christian when he'd told him he was no longer angry with him but the meeting had opened a lot of old wounds that Syed would have preferred to stay closed. All those old feelings from a year ago had been dragged kicking and screaming to the surface and they hurt just as much now as they had then.

Despite that, Syed knew that he had to see Christian again. He had made the decision to come back into his life and he would be damned if he let Christian go again. Syed wondered if he was a masochist after all. It certainly wasn't going to be easy.

He jumped up from his spot on the floor when he heard the key turn in the lock and he hurried into the kitchen, running the tap so he could wash the tears away from his face.

"Syed?" He heard David call out.

"I'm in the kitchen," he replied, trying to keep his voice even. "I thought you were at work," he said as David entered. Syed didn't turn to face him. He didn't want him to see his face.

"Yeah I was but I left some paperwork so I had to come back for it. Are you okay?"

"I'm fine," Syed replied but it was obvious from his shaky voice that he wasn't. David noticed and pulled him towards him into a hug.

"What's wrong?" David asked as he wrapped his arms around Syed's waist.

"Nothing, it's nothing. I'm just being stupid."

"Something has to be wrong to make you cry like this. Is it about that letter you got this morning?"

"It just brought up some things I didn't want to think about. It's nothing really, just something I have to figure out on my own."

"Okay but if you want to talk about it you know where I am."

"Thanks," Syed smiled as he pulled away from the hug. "I appreciate it."

"I'd better get back, don't want to miss that meeting."

"Don't let me keep you," Syed said as he wiped the fresh tears away from his face. "I'll cook us dinner for when you get home tonight."

"And I'll do the cleaning up afterwards," David grinned and gently kissed Syed goodbye before leaving.

It all felt wrong, Syed realised. It should be Christian teasing him about his messy cooking, not some stranger he hadn't even known a year ago. It should be Christian he woke up next to every morning and went to bed with every night. It should be Christian sharing his life. He needed to fix things between them. He needed to know if there was still a chance they could be together.

* * *

"_Goodbye Christian," Syed said sadly as he picked up his bag. It was sad that he could fit his entire life into one bag. "Take care."_

"_You too," Christian replied although he didn't look Syed in the eye._

"_I hope everything goes well for you. I hope you get what you want."_

"_What if what I want is you?" He asked back, anger flaring up inside him once more._

"_After tonight?" Syed replied just as angrily. "You can't even say that after what you said to me."_

"_Goes both ways doesn't it?"_

"_I'm not going to stay here and listen to you tear me apart again," Syed yelled as he forcefully pulled the door open. "Don't try to call me," he said finally as he slammed the door shut and stormed down the stairs, tears streaming down his face as he left his old life behind leaving Christian sitting alone in the flat, crying at the death of their relationship._


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: Sorry for the delay in posting. The beginning of this chapter was so hard to write. Workign on chapter four now so hopefully that should be up quicker :D**

**Chapter Three**

"_Isn't it exciting?" Christian enthused as he showed Syed a copy of Roxy's scan. "I can't believe this is actually happening."_

"_Me neither," Syed sighed, his voiced filled with more disbelief than Christian's. It's not that he was completely unhappy with things but ever since Roxy had announced she was pregnant he had been feeling more than a little left out. It seemed that now everything revolved around Christian, Roxy and the baby to be, leaving Syed on the sidelines. He didn't know how he fitted in to this new situation. He didn't know if he wanted to._

* * *

It had been a week since Syed had seen Christian and Syed was still trying to figure out the best way to approach things. He had constantly been thinking about Christian, it consumed his every waking moment and there was no way that David hadn't noticed there was something on his mind. He hadn't said anything to him though, which Syed was grateful for. He didn't want to tell him anything.

Syed wondered if it was weird that he hadn't told David anything about this, he was supposed to be his boyfriend after all. He'd managed to reason it in his own head that he just wasn't sure where all this was heading and he didn't want to tell him until he was completely sure. Deep down though, he knew it was because if Christian asked him to then he would leave David in a heartbeat and would never look back.

He had been on the verge of calling Christian a hundred times in the last week but something always stopped him. However strong his feelings were towards him. The one thing he just couldn't work out was why now? Why had he waited an entire year and then contacted him? That one thought alone was almost enough to contact Christian back. He really hated feeling so conflicted.

In the end he decided that he needed to do this so he swallowed his nerves and called Christian and arranged to meet him. Once again it would be nowhere near Walford. He definitely wasn't ready to face that place yet.

* * *

It was a warm and pleasant day perfect for a trip to the park so that is where they decided to meet. Syed arrived before Christian so he decided to sit on a park bench and wait for him to show up.

He smiled when he saw Christian walk up towards him, holding a small girl in her arms. He looked so happy it made Syed's heart jump just to look at it. He stood up and greeted Christian.

"Glad you decided to meet up again," Christian grinned as they both sat down. He placed his daughter on his lap. "This is Laura."

"She's even more beautiful than in the photo," Syed said.

"Do you want to hold her?" Christian asked.

"Okay," Christian picked her up and handed her over to Syed. "How old is she?"

"She's eight months old now."

"I can't believe how much time has passed since I left. Some days I wake up and I still think it's a year ago and when I look over you're going to be lying next to me," Syed confessed. "It never is though."

"Tamwar told me you're seeing someone."

"Yeah, I am."

"How's that going?"

"Okay, it's nothing serious," Syed explained.

"As long as you're happy," Christian replied, though the tone of his voice did not manage to match the sentiments.

They both sat in silence for a few moments, neither really knowing what to say to the other. It had never been this hard before. It felt as though they were strangers, two random people sitting next to each other with nothing to say. Syed hated feeling this uncomfortable.

"So what's it like being a father? Is it everything you hoped it would be?"

"It's great."

"How do the pair of you fit into that small flat? It's tiny."

"She's doesn't live with me. She lives with Roxy," Christian confessed.

"But I thought the whole plan was so that you could have a child, not be a part time dad."

"Something happened."

"What happened?" Syed asked, now feeling frustrated.

"It's complicated."

"Does this have something to do with why you wrote to me?" Christian didn't answer. "I need to know what made you get back in contact."

Christian closed his eyes and sighed. He didn't know how to tell Syed what he needed to say. "There was something I needed to tell you," he finally responded.

"What is it?"

"I don't know how to tell you."

"Christian, you're not making any sense. You need to tell me what's wrong, you're scaring me."

"About six months ago I went to see the doctor because I found a lump."

"A lump?"

"It was cancer. Testicular," Christian sighed. Syed was stunned into silence. Of all the things he had imagined as to why Christian would contact him he had never imagined that something might have been wrong, that he was sick.

"Are you okay?" He asked uncertainly.

"They caught it early so everything looks good but the treatments were hard going and I wasn't in a fit state to look after a child so I had to let Roxy take over. I'm getting better now though, the doctor said that the cancer hadn't spread so the prognosis was good."

"I'm glad. Why are you waiting until now to tell me? Why didn't you tell me six months ago when you found out?"

"I don't know. I was scared about being ill and I wasn't sure if you would want to see me after everything we said. Then Tamwar told me you had met someone and I realised that I couldn't just barge back into your life and tell you something like this. I felt like it would make you feel obligated to forgive me or take care of me and I just didn't want you to make any decisions you would regret."

"That wasn't your decision to make though. The funny thing is, even after I left I always hoped you would call me and ask me to come home. I would have done too because I was so in love with you. I never wanted to leave you in the first place."

"Then why did you?"

"You were so happy about becoming a father, you were always with Roxy and I felt so left out. You said you wanted to have a baby for us but I was never included in your plans. I started to feel so resentful and it was completely unfair on you because I knew you weren't doing it deliberately, you just got caught up in it all. I had to leave because I could never ask you to choose between me and your child so I made the decision to go.

"I regretted it every single day after I left. I would sit in the awful flat I'd rented and cry because all I wanted to do was be with you," Syed felt a tear drop down his cheek but he didn't wipe it away. "Then one day I saw you on the street. I nearly went up to you but I saw you with someone so I just ran home. That was six months ago."

"He didn't stay. I told him about the cancer and he left," Christian explained. "It wasn't that serious."

"After that, I realised that I couldn't spend the rest of my life hoping that you would call or write so I decided to move on. Then I met David."

"I wanted to call you. I wanted to tell you that I still loved you and for you to come home but after that last fight I just felt that you would never want to see me again. So I stayed away."

"Then why now? Why after all this time did you want to see me again?"

"Because life's too short for regrets and I regretted losing you most of all. I know I have no right to ask you to come back so I'm not even going to try but I always regretted how we left things. I know I'm never going to have your love again but I thought that if you wanted to then we could be friends. I miss you, Sy. I miss everything about you and I hate living without you in my life. What do you say?"

Syed thought for a moment about his answer. He was in two minds whether or not to accept Christian's offer as he didn't want to put himself through all that again. On the other hand, he wanted nothing more than to be with Christian. In the end there was only one answer he could give.

"Yes, I'd like that."

* * *

"How was your day?" Syed was greeted by David as he walked through the door. "Did you get up to anything interesting?"

"I went to see my friend, Christian," Syed replied. It was true enough, they were just friends now. "The one who wrote to me the other day, he wanted me to meet his daughter and to catch up," he elaborated.

"Did you have a nice time?" David asked as he leaned in and kissed Syed gently.

"It was nice. I haven't seen Christian in a long time so it was good to catch up with him."

"Your brother called while you were out, he wants you to call him back."

"Okay, I'll go and do that now," Syed replied as he headed to the bedroom. He closed the door behind him and sat down on the bed, thinking over everything about the day. He trembled as he thought about what Christian had said. He'd had cancer and Syed hadn't even known. He felt so guilty about that. He wished he could have been there for him.

"Are you okay in there?" David's voice broke Syed out of his thoughts. "You've been in there ages."

"Yeah I'm fine," Syed replied, rubbing the tears away from his cheeks. "I'll be out in a minute."

"Don't be too long, I'm cooking."

"Great," Syed stood up and looked in the mirror. It was time for a new start, he decided. No more moping about wondering what to do. Instead he was going to act. He was going to try his hardest to be a good friend to Christian and maybe that could lead to something more.

First things first though, he had to end things with David.


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: Here's the next chapter. Planning on taking future chapters in a different direction. Might get a bit more angsty in future but there's a happy resolution in this chapter :D**

**Chapter Four**

"_Stop putting words in my mouth," Syed yelled, his blood boiling in his veins. "That is not what I meant."_

"_Then what did you mean?" Christian shouted back just as harsh. "Tell me because it sounded pretty obvious to me. You don't want this baby."_

"_I never said that. I said that I wasn't happy with feeling left out."_

"_It didn't sound that way."_

"_That's because you're not listening. You haven't listened for months. You just went ahead and did whatever you wanted and you never even gave me a second thought."_

"_That's because I thought it's what we wanted."_

"_No, it's what you wanted. I had reservations from the start but you wouldn't let me voice them. You didn't consider how I felt at any point," Syed felt like screaming with frustration. They had been fighting for what seemed like hours yet neither was willing to listen to the others point of view._

"_Then how do you feel?" Christian sniped._

"_What does it matter now? It's not going to change anything, it's not going to make things better. It's too late for that."_

"_Sounds like you've already made up your mind. Do you even want to be here anymore? Or do you just want to blame me for all the problems you're having and run away? Tell me, Sy, I really would like to know."_

"_Fine," Syed said. "I feel trapped, I feel ignored. I feel as though nothing I say counts for anything and at this moment I'm wondering what I'm still doing here. I can't take this anymore, Christian. I wake up in the morning and I feel like crying. I'm tired of the constant sniping we do at each other. We haven't talked in months, not properly anyway."_

_Christian visibly softened when he heard what Syed was saying. He honestly hadn't realised that Syed had been so unhappy with the way things were._

"_I have no-one to talk to about this, Christian," Syed said sadly. "I feel so alone," he sat down at the table and rested his head in his hands. Christian sat down opposite him, resisting the strong urge he had to gather the younger man up in his arms and hug him tight."_

"_You're not happy."_

* * *

Looking back, Syed hadn't been happy. He'd been downright miserable in fact. It all seemed so insignificant now, after a year had passed and so many things had changed. It's funny, how one thing can make you question everything about a relationship. A year ago, an unborn child had pushed Syed into leaving the first relationship he had put his entire soul into and now he was considering how to get all that back.

He couldn't believe Christian hadn't told him about the cancer sooner. It really was a testament to how bad the state of their relationship was when Syed had left if Christian was willing to go through something like that alone. He wished he hadn't left now, but hindsight was twenty/twenty as the saying goes.

It had been easy to break up with David, quick and clean with the minimum amount pain. A week had gone by and Syed didn't even feel sorry that he had done it. He been on the phone with Christian pretty much every day since then and the distance between them was almost killing him inside. He desperately wanted to be with Christian again but he just didn't know how to broach the subject.

* * *

Christian almost broke his neck rushing from the shower to grab the ringing phone. Cursing loudly as he grabbed the phone, he answered sounding slightly angry.

"Hello," he answered, making it quite clear to the person on the other end that he was not pleased.

"Are you okay? You sound annoyed," Christian swore inwardly when he heard Syed's voice on the other end. He didn't want to scare him away.

"I'm fine, just fell over trying to get to the phone," he replied.

"Sorry," Syed apologised.

"It's not your fault. So, what can I do for you Syed Masood?"

"I wanted to talk to you," he replied hesitantly.

"Talk away," Christian grinned.

"Ever since you wrote to me and asked me to call you I've been thinking about you none stop and I need to tell you this otherwise I'm going to go crazy."

"What is it?"

"I've spent this last year trying so hard to stop loving you. I thought I could and I thought I was but then I saw you again and I realised I can never stop being in love with you. A year ago I made the biggest mistake of my life and I don't know how I can make it right again. You haven't any reason to want me back and I don't expect you to but I just needed you to know that I love you and I always will."

Christian was floored by what he had just heard Syed tell him. He had never expected in a million years for Syed to tell him that and he didn't know how to reply.

"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said that," he heard Syed say before he hung up and Christian could only hear the dial tone.

Christian's heart skipped a beat as he processed what had just happened. Syed still loved him. This was the best thing he had heard in a long time, maybe there was a chance for them to get back together. He had to physically stop himself from bolting out the door to find Syed.

After the initial joy, the crippling doubt set in. What if he didn't really want to get back with him, what if he was just saying it to get things off his chest? The thought made Christian feel sick. He had to know what Syed really felt. Grabbing his jacket he headed for the door.

He had to see Syed now.

* * *

_Christian knew it was a bad time when he walked through the door to find Syed huddled up on the couch. He did not look happy. There were tear tracks marking his face and his breathing was ragged._

"_What's wrong?" Christian asked, moving towards Syed, intending to comfort him. Syed moved away._

"_I saw my mother earlier."_

"_What did she have to say?" Christian sighed. Some days he wished Zainab Masood would just disappear._

"_She said we were disgusting. She said it wasn't right for two homosexual men to raise a child together. She told me that she was ashamed of me."_

"_Don't listen to her, Sy; she's just saying that to get a rise out of you."_

"_She has every right to be ashamed of me, I've done nothing but hurt her and dad. Every choice I've made has gone against what they believe in. What I believe in."_

_Christian almost jumped back. It felt like Syed had just stuck a knife in his chest. He'd had no idea that Syed really felt like that._

"_Are you saying that you think being with me is something to be ashamed of?"_

"_No," Syed sighed. "I don't know what I think anymore. My head is so turned around, I feel so confused and I don't know what to do."_

"_Then why don't you try and sort it out in your head then and I'll be waiting for your thoughts once you do," Christian retorted, harsher than he'd intended but he just felt so frustrated at Syed._

"_Don't be like that."_

"_Like what? Upset that my boyfriend thinks it's a mistake for us to be together? What else aren't you happy about? Roxy is pregnant with our child, maybe we should air our grievances before the baby actually comes along."_

"_I don't want to argue with you."_

"_Then what do you want Syed?"_

"_I want to be left alone. I want to have some peace and quiet. I don't want to think anymore. I'm tired of talking. I'm tired of listening to you and Roxy bang on about the baby, it's all you talk about nowadays."_

"_That's because we're having a baby."_

"_Who is? You and me or you and Roxy because you never include me in any of your conversations."_

"_What?"_

"_You say it's going to be our baby but you never act like it. It's always you and Roxy. I feel like an outsider in my own relationship and it's making me regret agreeing to this in the first place."_

"_So you don't actually want this baby at all?"_

"_Stop putting words in my mouth," Syed yelled, his blood boiling in his veins. "That is not what I meant."_

* * *

Syed seriously regretted phoning Christian now. He had never felt so humiliated. He'd poured out his feelings and declared his everlasting love for Christian and he hadn't said anything in return. How could he have been so stupid?

He needed to get out of the flat for a while. He needed to take a long walk to try and forget everything going on. He grabbed his jacket and headed out.

It was raining, unsurprisingly. Syed was glad of it, the lousy weather matched his current mood. He simply turned his collar up and continued walking as the large raindrops pelted down on his head, soaking his hair.

He was so lost in his own thoughts, he didn't see the person come up behind him.

"Syed," the voice called out. Syed ignored it, not wanting to believe who it was. He continued walking. "Syed," the voice called out again. "Wait up."

Syed stopped and turned. He was face to face with a soaking wet Christian. His heart stopped at the sight of him.

"Where are you going?"

"Nowhere in particular."

"You hung up before you gave me a chance to talk."

"About that... I'm sorry I said those things to you. It wasn't fair to put all that on you, I shouldn't have."

Christian walked up to Syed, quickening his pace with every step. "I've been waiting for a year for you to say those things," he told Syed as he wrapped his arm around Syed's waist and pulled him close.

Christian pressed his lips against Syed's. It felt like heaven. He ran his fingers through Syed's rain tangled hair not ever wanting to let him go. After what seemed like an eternity he pulled away slightly, breathing heavily.

"How about we take this inside?" He said breathlessly. Syed could do nothing more than nod dumbly and allowed Christian to take him by the hand as he led them back towards Syed's flat.

* * *

**A/N 2: You're going to have to use your imagination for the next bit, I can't write smut :D**


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N: Finally finished this chapter. Just a short bit of lightness before I go slightly depressing again :D**

**Chapter Five**

_Syed sat on the edge of the very lumpy bed of the bed and breakfast he had chosen to stay in. He needed time to think, to sort out what he wanted but he was certain he was not going back to Christian._

_He had been crying almost constantly since he had left the flat, his heart felt as though it had been smashed into tiny pieces. So small that nothing could ever put them back together. He felt so lost and alone, more so than when he had left his family. He just didn't know what to do._

_He lay back on the bed with a heavy thud and drew his knees up to his chest. He then began to sob like he had never done before in his life. He felt like his life was truly over._

* * *

Syed happily curled up next to Christian, a huge smile on his face. It had been amazing. He couldn't believe he had forgotten just how perfect it had been with Christian. He felt like he could just lie there forever in Christian's arms and never let him go.

"That was amazing," Christian gasped, echoing Syed's thoughts exactly.

"I'd forgotten just how good it was with you," Syed replied contentedly. It felt so good, lying in Christian's arms, his fingers stroking Syed's hair, he felt so relaxed.

All the memories of their first time together came rushing back. The excitement of being together, the thrill of every kiss and touch and it made Syed happier than he ever could have imagined.

"What are you thinking about?" He heard Christian ask softly.

"Us."

"Anything interesting?"

"Just remembering how much I love you."

"That is a good thought," Christian smiled. "You want to know something?"

"What?"

"I was thinking about how much I love you too."

They just lay in silence for a few minutes, neither wanting to interrupt the moment with further talk. Syed felt himself begin to drift off to sleep and as much as he didn't want to fall asleep he couldn't resist the pull so he closed his eyes and allowed himself to fall asleep in the arms of the man he loved.

* * *

When Syed woke up the bed was cold. He sat up and glanced around but Christian was nowhere to be seen. Feeling a little disappointed, he clambered out of bed and pulled on his clothes. He headed towards the living room and saw a folded piece of paper on top of the TV. He opened it and read the contents.

_Hey Sy,_

_Sorry to just up and leave like that but I have to work. I'll call later when I'm done and maybe we could meet up._

_I had a great time today._

_Love you,_

_Christian_

Syed smiled at the note as he re-read it again. This time yesterday he couldn't have imagined being with Christian again. He was determined not to do anything to ruin their relationship this time around, he was definitely in it for the long haul.

* * *

"You're hiding something from me," Roxy said as Christian sat on the sofa playing with his daughter. "I can feel it."

"So what if I am. I am allowed some secrets aren't I?"

"No, it's not healthy," Roxy pouted. "Come on, share. It's been ages since I've had some decent gossip. Is it about a guy? Who is he?"

"I'm not jinxing it by telling you anything."

"So it is about a bloke then," Roxy grinned triumphantly at having got that much information from her best friend. "Tell me more."

"No," Christian exclaimed vehemently. "I told you I'm not going to jinx it."

"Then just give me general information. What's he like? Is he nice? How long have you been seeing him? Give me something, Christian."

"It hasn't been long. I've been kind of seeing him for a couple of weeks but it's only really just got going."

"I'm so excited for you, Christian. It's time you met someone new. You've spent far too long pining over Syed, you need something new."

Christian couldn't meet Roxy's eye. She hadn't been Syed's biggest fan since he had left so he really didn't know how to tell her that it was Syed he was seeing again. He decided it would be best to leave it for now.

"When are you going to see him again?" Roxy asked, bringing Christian out of his thoughts.

"Uh... dunno yet. We haven't arranged anything. I said I'd call him later."

"Well I am happy for you."

"Thanks," Christian smiled. "It means a lot really."

* * *

"I thought you were going to call," Syed grinned as he opened the door to find Christian on the other side.

"Yeah well, thought I'd surprise you," Christian replied as he leaned in and kissed Syed gently on the lips. He wrapped his arms around Syed's waist and pulled him close, deepening the kiss.

Syed wasn't complaining at the close contact. He'd been craving Christian's touch since he had woken up earlier that day t find his lover gone. He put up no resistance as Christian manoeuvred them so Syed was pressed against the now closed door, pinning him.

"So how was your day?" Syed panted once they both had to stop kissing to breathe.

"Started off boring but then I met up with the most gorgeous bloke so it got a lot better," Christian grinned mischievously and kissed Syed again.

"So what are you doing here? Don't you have anything better to do?"

"No I don't have anyone better to do."

"So what should we do?" Syed asked. Stupid question, he thought when he saw the expression on Christian's face. It was pure sex. "Apart from that," he cheekily clarified.

"I didn't have anything else in mind," Christian said as he pulled Syed away from the door and led him towards the bedroom. "You're not going to complain are you?"

"Why would I?" Syed grinned as he allowed himself to be led towards the bedroom.

* * *

Syed lay happily in Christian's arms. He couldn't sleep but was content to just lie there and listen to Christian's light snores.

It felt perfect to be lying there, his head resting on Christian's chest, his thumping heartbeat relaxing Syed. He never wanted the moment to end. He just wanted to lie there forever.

He heard his mobile phoning beeping somewhere, it sounded so distant but the occasional reminders of a received text message was enough to draw him out of bed just to shut the damn thing up.

He wrapped his dressing gown around his body and stumbled towards the living room. He found his phone lying on the coffee table. He picked it up and opened the message.

_I see you, _it read.


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N: Wahey I have all my essays done that are due before Easter so I can afford myself time to write. Hopefully updates should be quicker for the next few weeks.**

**Chapter Six**

Syed almost threw the phone to the ground in shock and horror at what he had read. What did it mean? He looked back at the message to see what the number was but he didn't recognise it. He felt nervous, he didn't like the thought of someone watching him. He wandered over to the window to see if there was anyone stood outside but the street was empty. This made him even more worried.

"Are you coming back to bed?" He heard Christian ask from behind him. "It's cold without you."

"In a minute," Syed replied without turning to face Christian. He didn't want to worry him too.

"Are you okay?" Christian came up behind Syed and wrapped his arms around him waist. He placed a gentle kiss on Syed's neck. "You're tense."

"I'm okay," Syed lied. "Just can't sleep."

"I could help with that," Syed could feel Christian smile into his neck. It helped him relax slightly but couldn't appease his sense of worry. "Come on," Christian took Syed's hand and led him back to bed.

Syed didn't sleep at all, he just couldn't stop worrying about the text message he had received. He lay there for the rest of the night, his mind going round and round in circles trying to think of who would send such a thing.

Although Syed had tried to hide it, Christian noticed that something was wrong with him. He just didn't know what it was. Maybe Syed was having second thoughts about them being together again. He decided they needed to talk.

"Sy, what's wrong?" He asked as he watched Syed robotically make two cups of coffee. He looked exhausted, his eyes drooped heavily and his posture hunched.

"Nothing's wrong," he tiredly replied. His demeanour didn't even try to hide the fact that something was wrong.

"Stop lying, Sy, I can see there's something wrong. Are you regretting us?"

"No," Syed replied immediately without any hesitation. "I could never regret being with you."

"Then what is it?"

Syed sighed and handed Christian a cup of coffee. He sat in the seat opposite him and ran his fingers through his hair. He didn't know what to say.

"You were so happy last night. What's changed?"

"It's not you, you have to know. I feel so happy to have you back in my life."

"But..."

"No buts, never for that. I don't know if I should tell you. I might be overreacting about it."

"What is it? Just tell me Sy."

"I got a text last night," he told Christian as he found the message on his phone and handed it to Christian. "It just made me feel uneasy."

"Do you know who sent it?" Christian asked, forcing himself to remain calm even though he felt so angry at whoever it was who had upset Syed so much he wanted to kill them.

"No, I don't recognise the number."

"Is that the only one?"

"So far. I'm scared, Christian."

"Hey," Christian grasped hold of Syed's hand to comfort his lover. "Don't worry, it's probably nothing."

"What if it is something though?"

"Then we'll deal with it once we know more," Christian replied. He could see the worried look in Syed's eye and he wanted to do nothing more than make it all go away. But he couldn't. All he could do was stand by Syed and make him feel safe. "Do you want me to stay with you tonight?"

"Yes," Syed nodded. "That would be good."

"Okay. I have a couple of clients to see today and I have to go home to pick up some clean clothes. Will you be okay while I'm gone?" Christian asked. Syed hesitated for a moment before nodding unsurely.

"I'll have to be," he told Christian.

"I'll be as quick as I can," Christian said as he leaned in and kissed Syed before standing up. "I know you don't really want to go back but if this does get any worse then you're coming back to Walford with me."

"If things get really bad then I'm inclined to agree with you," Syed half joked.

"Love you," Christian gave Syed one final kiss before he left the flat.

Syed felt uncomfortable being here on his own. Part of him wanted to get out of there, to run and not look back but the other part of him just wanted to crawl under the covers and hide until Christian returned. The hiding part of him won in the end and he dragged himself back to his room and buried himself under the duvet, breathing in the scent of Christian that had been left behind. It seemed to comfort him.

He must have fallen asleep because Syed was woken a little while later by the sound of breaking glass. He flung back the covers and ran into the living room. There was glass all over the floor.

"Ah," Syed cried out as he felt some glass cut through the sole of his foot. He jumped back and almost fell to the floor. He hobbled over to the sofa and surveyed the damage. The glass wasn't deeply embedded in his foot so it was easy to pull out. Didn't stop it from hurting like hell though.

Syed reached over and grabbed some tissues to try to stop the bleeding. What the hell had happened? From his position on the sofa he looked around the room to see what had smashed through his window. He saw it was a brick with something attached to it.

Wincing in pain, he limped back across the room and picked up the brick. He unwrapped the paper attached to it. It read:

_I'm watching you. Don't think you can hide from me_

Syed threw the paper to the floor as if it had just burned him. Tears formed in his eyes as he grabbed his phone and dialled Christian's number.

"Hello?" He heard Christian's voice on the other end.

"I got another message," Syed cried.

"When?"

"Just now. Whoever it is threw a brick through my window. Christian, I'm really scared now. This person has my mobile number, they know where I live."

"Syed, pack your things now. I'm coming to pick you up and I'm taking you back to mine. You're not safe there. I'll be there as quick as I can."

"Okay," Syed replied in a small voice. He was too scared to protest. He just wanted to get out of the flat as quickly as possible.

* * *

"Sy?" Christian called out as he opened the door of the flat. He looked shocked at the broken glass strewn all over the floor.

"I'm in the bathroom," Syed called back, his voice sounded tired and scared. Christian followed the voice until he was facing Syed. He was sitting on the edge of the bath with his foot in his hands.

"Are you okay?"

"I cut my foot on the glass."

"Are you okay? Is it deep?"

"It's okay, just hurts."

"Let me take a look at it," Christian kneeled down to get a closer look. "It doesn't look to bad. Are you okay to walk on it?"

"I'll be okay. I just want to get out of here."

"Come on, I'll help you out," Christian helped Syed to his feet and supported him as they left the flat.

* * *

He watched them as they left the flat together arm in arm and felt an intense surge of jealousy and rage course through his body. Syed was supposed to be his not that other guy. He didn't know who he was but he hated him already.

He was going to have some fun with this. He had seen how scared Syed had looked when he left and it sent a chill of pleasure down his spine. He smiled to think that he had caused that fear in him, it gave him a great sense of control.

Syed would be his eventually, he just didn't know it yet.


	7. Chapter 7

**A/N: New chapter :D. Things are going to take a dark turn so I am upping the rating to an M. Still haven't decided how long this fic will be so will just keep plugging away until it reaches the end.**

**Thanks for the reviews, I should reply personally but I'm lazy :D**

**Chapter Seven**

"Here we are, home sweet home," Christian announced as he opened the door to the flat. He helped Syed in and lowered him onto the sofa. "Put your foot up and rest it."

Syed looked around the flat. "It hasn't changed much."

"Haven't had time to redecorate, what with the baby and the cancer."

"Sorry, I didn't mean to sound rude."

"You didn't. Here put this under your foot," Christian lifter Syed's leg and placed a pillow under to give extra support. "Maybe you should see a doctor."

"I'm sure it'll be fine."

"What about the messages, do you want to call the police?"

"Do you think they'll do anything?"

"Honestly? No I don't. Not yet anyway. You could file a complaint though."

"I'll think about it. I just want to sleep now, forget this day ever happened."

"Do you want me to help you over to the bed?"

"No I'll just sleep here. I'm comfy."

"I'll get you a blanket," Christian said. By the time he returned, Syed was asleep.

* * *

Syed heard Christian's voice before he opened his eyes. He was talking to someone.

"Sorry, I can't tonight, I'm busy... What makes you say that?... Just because... Rox, I'm not going to argue with you on this... I'll be over tomorrow, bye," he said and quickly hung up the phone before Roxy could say anything else.

"You can go and see her if you want," Syed's voice shocked Christian. He hadn't even noticed Syed had woken up. "You don't have to stay on my account."

"I'm not, I just don't feel like going out. How's your foot?" Christian asked as he flopped down on the sofa next to Syed. Syed sat up so he could lean into Christian's warm embrace.

"It's okay mostly, just aching a bit."

"I could get you some painkillers."

"No thanks, a cup of tea would be nice though."

"Coming right up," Christian grinned and headed to the kitchen.

Syed took this time to have a look around the flat. It was amazing how much it still looked the same, albeit with a few more pink toys scattered around. It felt comfortable, it felt safe. It felt like home.

"Here you go," Christian handed him a steaming mug of tea. Syed took a small sip and winced at how hot it was. Christian just sat and smiled at him.

"What?"

"I missed this."

"You missed me burning my mouth on a cup of tea?"

"That's part of it. I missed you being here, sitting on the sofa, drinking tea, cooking in the kitchen. You know it's never been tidier since you left."

"That can only be a good thing, couldn't it?"

"It didn't feel like home. It stopped belonging to you and me. There were times I didn't even want to be here so I stayed at Roxy's instead, especially when I was sick."

Syed leaned forward and placed the hot mug on the table. He shuffled closer to Christian and wrapped his arms around him. "I'm not going anywhere ever again, I promise. I shouldn't have left in the first place."

"Well you're back now, that's all that matters," Christian leaned in and kissed Syed on the lips.

"So, what did Roxy want?"

"What?"

"You were on the phone to her earlier. Was it about Laura?"

"No, Laura's fine. Roxy's having a man crisis yet again. She wanted to bend my ear about it but I'm not in the mood for that. I just want to spend the day sitting here with you."

"I'm sure sitting isn't the first thing on your mind."

"However did you know?" Christian winked and kissed Syed again, this time a little more passionately."

* * *

Roxy was annoyed with Christian. All she'd wanted was her friend to talk to and he'd brushed her off. He'd done that quite a lot over the last few days and she was determined to find out what he was hiding from her. So, she picked up their daughter and Amy and headed over to his flat with the spare key and the pretence that she wanted him to spend time with Laura.

As she approached the door she heard Christian laugh. He was with whoever this mystery bloke was. Now Roxy was determined to find out what was going on even more. She slipped the key in the door; she turned it in the lock and pushed the door open to an unexpected sight. Christian was naked on the sofa lying on top of an almost naked Syed. Roxy gasped in shock at the sight before her. She had never expected to see Syed again.

"Roxy!" Christian exclaimed as he rushed to cover himself up, grabbing the closest thing to him which just happened to be a cushion. "What the hell are you doing here?"

"What the hell are you doing with him?" Roxy shouted back, ignoring his question. "You split up ages ago!"

Syed just sat there in sheer embarrassment, suddenly grateful they hadn't got as far as he had wanted. At least he was still wearing his jeans, if little else. He could honestly say at this moment he wanted to drop dead.

"We got back together," Christian replied, forcing himself to calm down so he didn't upset Laura. He leaned down and grabbed his jeans, quickly pulling them on so he could stand up. "Syed, could you take Laura and Amy out for a bit? Take them to the park or something?"

"Yeah sure," Syed replied as he pulled his shirt on. He stood up and limped over to Christian who deposited his daughter into Syed's arms. "How long should I be?"

"About half an hour. Just need to have a little chat with Roxy here," he put the emphasis on chat.

"Okay," Syed smiled half heartedly to Roxy as he took Amy by the hand and headed out, leaving Christian and Roxy alone.

"How could you even consider getting back with him after all he put you through?" Roxy shouted, glad she didn't have to keep her voice down any longer.

"Neither of us were blameless in what happened. I acted just as badly as he did."

"But HE left YOU Christian! He walked out on you and the child you supposedly wanted together. He was selfish, he was only thinking of himself."

"And I was only thinking of myself. He only left because he felt so excluded and he was right. I did exclude him. I pushed him away because I got so carried away with the idea of having a baby and I never listened to what he wanted. I wish I had because it was the worst mistake of my life."

"Are you saying you think our daughter was a mistake?"

"Not for a second. I regret letting him leave. We should've been together, the two of us, raising our child but instead I spent a year of my life being angry at him when all I wanted was for him to come back. And he did."

Roxy felt the fight drain out of her when she saw how happy Christian was at the fact Syed was back with him. She wanted to be happy for her friend, she really did, but she couldn't understand why it had to be Syed.

"How did you get back together then?"

"Tamwar told me where he was living so I wrote to him. I didn't want to scare him away by just turning up on his doorstep. He phoned me and we met up, got talking and it just happened from there."

"And how do you know he's not going to up and leave again? How can you be sure he'll stay?"

"I can't but I want to be with him. I love him too much not to give this a second chance. You don't have to approve, just say you understand why I'm doing this."

"I don't know what to think, Christian, I really don't. I need to go can you bring Laura and Amy over when Syed gets back. I need time to think about this," Roxy told Christian as she headed towards the door.

* * *

Despite the continuous ache in his foot, Syed had enjoyed the trip out. It had felt weird to be back in Walford but it was a kind of good weird. It felt like he was home again.

Then he saw Zainab and he stopped dead in his tracks. His heart leapt into his mouth and he felt sick on seeing his mother again, they had been out of contact with each other for so long, he hadn't even seen her since he left. It was one of those awkward moments when two people who had once been so close saw each other for the first time in an age but couldn't speak to each other. Instead, Syed bowed his head as if he was ashamed and carried on walking back to Christian's flat.

"Hey," Christian greeted as Syed walked in looking a little flustered and sad. "What's wrong?"

"I just saw mum," Syed sighed.

"Did she say anything?"

"Nothing, she just stared at me. I just got away from there as quick as I could."

"Do you want to talk about it?"

"Not really. Maybe you should take Amy and Laura back round to Roxy's. How did she take things in the end?"

"She's not happy but I never expected her to be," Christian told Syed as he lifted Laura out of Syed's arms. "Did you have fun?"

"Yeah, we had a great time, didn't we?"

"Do anything fun?"

"We went to the park, played on the swings, looked at the ducks because we didn't have any bread to feed them," Syed smiled.

"That's great. I'll get them home and then we can talk," Christian leaned in and briefly gave Syed a gentle kiss. "Everything's going to be fine," he reassured before he left.

Syed suddenly felt very tired, as if he had been running on adrenaline that had just run out. His foot started to ache so he sat down and pulled his boots off. He rubbed his foot gently to try to stop the pain but it just continued to ache. He felt like crying.

The last few days were beginning to take their toll on Syed. He just wanted to be happy, to be with Christian without all this drama. They'd wasted enough time, Syed just wanted to live out the rest of his life with Christian and die a happy and content man.

That was never going to happen though, there was too much drama going on. Between possessive best friends and threatening messages things were only going to get worse before they got better. He sighed and hobbled over to the kitchen so he could pour a glass of water to take some painkillers with.

He was interrupted by the buzz of the door. He inwardly cursed but slowly made his way over to the buzzer.

"Hello?" He asked but there was no reply. Feeling slightly annoyed, he started to walk away but the buzzing continued. "Is there anybody there?" He asked but there was still no reply.

Feeling angry, Syed decided it must be kids acting up so he flung opened the door and hobbled down the stairs, intending to tell them to stop mucking around. However when he opened the main door to the flat, there was no-one there. He stepped outside and looked around but he couldn't see anyone.

As he turned around to head back inside Syed felt himself being pushed up against the wall just inside the flat. He tried to shout out but he felt a strong hand force itself around his mouth.

"Don't even think about it a familiar voice growled. "One wrong move and I will stick this knife into your gut," Syed hadn't realised it but there was a knife pressed lightly against his ribs. "Now listen to me. You and I are going to take a trip somewhere. If you co-operate then I won't have to hurt you but if you struggle in any way I will not hesitate to kill you. Do you understand?" Syed dumbly nodded. "Good," the man said as he removed his hand from Syed's mouth.

"David, why are you doing this?" Syed gasped. He thought he had seen the last of him when they had broken up.

"I never said you could talk," David responded, his voice calm and cold. Syed could never have imagined how much trouble he could get into when he met this psychopath. "Come on, we haven't got all day, let's get a move on," he grabbed Syed by the arm and pushed him out of the flat. He led him to a nearby car and opened the boot. "Get in," he ordered.

Syed hesitated. There was no way he was getting in willingly. "Please, don't do this," he begged quietly. "Can't we just talk about it?"

"Get in or I will force you in," David replied, pointing the knife at Syed's chest. He realised there wasn't any other way. He had to follow this madman until he could figure out a way to escape. With deep resignation, Syed climbed into the boot and lay down before the heavy metal was slammed down, plunging the terrified young man into darkness.

He wanted Christian.

* * *

"Hey Sy, d'ya fancy a takeaway? I've got a craving for fish and chips," Christian called up the stairs as he bounded back up to the flat. He opened the door but Syed wasn't there. "Sy? Are you here?" He called out again but he still didn't receive a response.

He checked the bathroom but Syed wasn't there. Where the hell had he gone? Had he had second thoughts about the two of them being together and just didn't have the heart to tell Christian? Then he saw Syed's boots lying on the floor next to the sofa. There was no way Syed would leave without any shoes on.

Christian felt the worry build up inside him. Where was Syed?


	8. Chapter 8

**A/N: Not a happy chapter, it's getting quite dark. **

_**Warning: Mentions of rape**_

**Chapter Eight**

David threw Syed to the floor of the darkened flat that they had once shared before Syed had realized how much he still loved Christian. The glass was still covering the floor and Syed landed right on top of it. He felt the blood pour down his hands.

"Ah," he cried out in pain but David didn't pay him any attention.

He grabbed Syed's arms and pulled them behind his back, fixing them in place with a length of rope. He did the same to his legs and left Syed lying on the ground, struggling to sit up.

"If you know what's good for you then you'll stay lying down."

"Why are you doing this?" Syed sobbed, he couldn't stop the tears from rolling down his face.

"I thought we were happy. I loved you so much, Syed but you dropped me as soon as you got the chance. You dumped me for him. Some random bloke off the street. Why would you do that Syed?"

"He's not some random bloke."

"Who is he then?"

"He's the man I love, the man I've always loved, the man I can't live without."

"So what was I then?"

"A distraction," Syed answered honestly and bluntly, he really didn't care for David's feelings at that moment. "Christian and I had split up and I didn't want to feel lonely. You were nothing more than a bit of fun."

David walked over to Syed and smacked him hard in the face, forcing Syed's head to snap backwards with the force. He cried out in pain.

"I've decided you don't get to talk anymore," David raged as he grabbed Syed by the hair and dragged him across the room. He reached into his pocket and pulled out a gag before shoving it forcefully into Syed's mouth. "I think it's time we had a little bit of fun, don't you?"

* * *

"He didn't just leave, Rox, he's gone missing." Christian sounded frantic, he was panicking so much. He had called Roxy almost unable to speak properly so she had hurried straight over to calm him down."

"How can you be sure? He has left before."

"He left his shoes behind, people don't leave without their shoes. Something's wrong, I know it is."

"Have you tried calling him?"

Christian looked at her as if she was stupid for suggesting it. "It was the first thing I did. He didn't answer. What do I do? I can't call the police, they won't see him as missing for 24 hours."

"You need to calm down, Christian. Getting yourself worked up like this isn't good for you and it's not going to help Syed."

"I know," Christian sighed in frustration. "I'm just worried."

"Yeah, well, let's establish that he's actually missing before you start panicking," Roxy leaned over and gave her best friend a hug. No matter how much she disliked Syed, she hated to see her friend this upset. "Why don't you try calling him again? Maybe he'll answer this time."

* * *

Syed could feel his phone vibrating silently in his pocket. He knew it was Christian calling to see where he was and he desperately wanted to answer it and cry for help. He was tied up to tight though, David had made sure he wouldn't be able to free himself.

"I think it's time we had a little bit of fun, don't you think?" David's voice was low and threatening, Syed knew that nothing good would come out of this. He moaned from behind the gag in protest but David ignored him.

"Remember when we first moved in here? How we would spend every Sunday morning in bed together, making love and reading the papers. Don't you miss that?

Syed shook his head and tried to move away but David stopped him. He picked him up and carried him over to the bed, dropping him down hard before he lay down next to him.

"I always loved the way you moaned when I was inside you. You might deny it but you loved it just as much as I did," he ran his hand up and down Syed's body which made him flinch and not in a good way. He knew what was going to happen and he was powerless to stop it.

David's hand stopped at Syed's waist and he slowly began to undo Syed's jeans. Syed tried to move away but he found himself trapped as David moved on top of his legs and grasped the waistband of his jeans. Syed let out a cry as he felt fresh tears fall down his face.

"Don't cry, sweetheart. Everything's going to be all right."

* * *

Syed hurt everywhere. David had untied him once he had finished with him but Syed couldn't make himself move. He had made it last for hours, drawing out every single agony Syed had felt. Once David had finished, untied him and left him alone in the flat Syed had curled into a small ball and cried until he felt completely numb. He wanted it all to go away. He wanted it to be a dream. He wanted to wake up and find himself lying in Christian's arms where everything was safe and warm and good. But it would never be okay ever again. He wanted to go home.

Slowly, Syed sat up and reached across the bed to pick up his jeans. He pulled his mobile out of the pocket and stared blankly at it. There had been so many missed calls from Christian. He must be so worried, Syed realised. He had been gone for hours. He suddenly felt the strongest urge to call Christian. He wanted him there to make it all better.

"Syed?" He heard Christian's voice down the other end of the phone. He sounded relieved to know Syed was contacting him.

"Christian," Syed didn't recognise his own voice, it sounded so foreign to him. "I need you to come and get me," he was trying to keep control of himself but upon hearing Christian's voice he felt himself start to break down again.

"Where are you?"

"My old flat. Please hurry," he croaked before hanging up. He couldn't speak to Christian any longer.

* * *

Christian hurried over to Syed's old flat and was horrified by what he saw. Syed was sitting on the bed, his legs curled up to his chest and his head was on his knees. He wasn't wearing any trousers. Christian felt sick. He knew exactly what had happened.

"Syed," he said gently so he didn't startle the younger man.

"Christian?" Syed replied sounding amazed that Christian was actually there.

"We need to get you out of here," Christian rushed over to his lover but Syed flinched away. Christian tried not to feel hurt, it was understandable under the circumstances. "We need to get you to a hospital."

"Don't want to go to a hospital, I want to go home."

"We need to get someone to look you over, you look hurt," on closer inspection Christian could see the blood dripping down Syed's legs mingling with a sticky substance that made Christian's heart sink when he saw what it was.

"I'm fine."

"I'm sure you are, but I want a doctor to tell me that you're fine. We're not arguing about this so let's get your trousers on and we'll be going."

Syed didn't respond but he did as Christian said. After he had dressed himself he gingerly stood up. He really wanted Christian to help but he didn't want anyone to touch him. Christian could see that Syed wasn't going to allow him near him so he kept his distance as he followed Syed out.

He wanted to tell Syed it would all be okay but he just could see how.

Things would not be okay for a long time.


	9. Chapter 9

**A/N: New chapter :D. Going to try and round this up in a few chapters, don't want it getting away from me. Reviews/comments/random ramblings all good by me.**

**Chapter Nine**

Syed just sat there in complete silence staring blankly at the wall as the doctor completed his examination. It worried Christian to see him like this. He hadn't spoken since Christian had taken him to the hospital. Instead he just sat there, not saying a word and looking as if he was on the verge of tears.

"Sy," Christian said gently, trying to get him to respond. "The police want to talk to you about what happened, are you okay to do that?"

Syed nodded slightly but he didn't speak. Christian was quickly replaced at his side by a young male police officer. Syed didn't even acknowledge his presence.

Christian wanted to stay with Syed whilst the police officer was there but he didn't want to hear what Syed had to say. He quietly slipped out of the room and leaned against the wall. He closed his eyes and tried his hardest not to allow the tears forming in his eyes to slip down his cheeks. Syed's voice was quiet but Christian could still hear every hitch in his voice as he recounted his story. Christian felt sick. He wanted to hunt down the son of a bitch who had hurt his lover like this and he wanted to kill him.

The police officer left the room eventually and nodded sympathetically to Christian as he went. Christian breathed deeply, trying to calm himself down before he faced Syed. He turned slowly and walked back into the room.

"Did you hear?" Syed said quietly, his voice full of sadness and Christian felt his heart break. He couldn't find his voice so all he could do was nod dumbly at Syed's question. "It was David, my ex."

Christian felt another course of anger rush through him. He had never met David but he had never imagined he would do something like this.

Syed pulled his knees up to his chest and rested his head down on them. He didn't know what to do or how to react. He just felt numb, like it hadn't really registered with him what had happened. He just wanted to get out of the hospital room, he felt like he couldn't breathe properly. "I want to go home," he said quietly.

"I'll go and see the doctor for you," Christian replied and stepped away from Syed. He didn't want to hurry out of the room so it looked like he was trying to get away from Syed. Once out of the room he did hurry to find the doctor.

"You can take him home when you're ready," the doctor told Christian. "I can get the discharge papers in order for you and I am going to refer Mr. Masood to a counsellor."

"Will he be all right?" Christian asked anxiously.

"Physically he will recover but mentally he may have some problems. He has been through a very traumatic experience and there is no way to know just how he is going to react to it."

Christian felt like he had just been punched in the gut. He knew it was going to be hard but he hadn't realised just how hard. Syed wasn't the best communicator when he was upset about something so Christian knew he wouldn't want to talk about what had happened in any great detail. He didn't know how to help.

* * *

"The doctor said I can take you home," Christian said to Syed as he re-entered his room. Syed didn't speak for a moment, he simply closed his eyes and swallowed heavily. "He said that it might be a good idea for you to speak to someone, a professional."

"I don't need to speak to anyone," Syed responded, his voice so quiet that Christian barely heard what he had said. "I'm fine."

"You're not fine, Syed," Christian told him.

"I don't want to talk about it," Syed's voice cracked but he refused to let himself break down. He couldn't allow that to happen. "I just want to go home."

"Come on then," Christian said softly, his voice full of warmth and sympathy. "Let's go home."

* * *

"_Hi there," Syed heard a man greet him. He looked up from his newspaper he had been staring blankly at for the last half an hour._

_The man was attractive, tall and handsome. Syed couldn't understand why he was talking to him, he was a mess. He hadn't slept since he had seen Christian in the street a few days before and his hair was more wayward than it had ever been._

"_Uh… hi," Syed greeted back, his voice quiet and very unsure._

"_I'm David."_

_"Syed."_

"_Do you mind if I join you?"_

"_Uh… okay."_

_David sat down in the seat opposite him. "I've seen you around a few times and I've always wanted to talk to you."_

"_Why?"_

"_You seem interesting."_

"_I'm not really," Syed replied shyly._

"_I think you are. I don't want to sound too forward or anything but I would like to ask you out."_

"_That's nice of you and all but I'm nothing special."_

"_Why don't you let me decide that? Go out with me."_

"_I don't know, I'm not really great with dating people."_

"_Bad break up?"_

"_Very bad. So bad, I swore off men completely."_

"_Then let me try to change your mind."_

"_Can I think about it? I need to go to Mosque."_

"_Here's my number," David said as he wrote his number down on a napkin. "Give me a call if you want to go out," he smiled and handed it over to Syed._

"_Thanks."_

* * *

"He always seemed so nice," Syed's voice came out of the blue. They had arrived back at the flat a couple of hours ago and Syed hadn't spoken a word since they had left the hospital. He had just sat down on the sofa and stared blankly into space. Christian didn't know what to do, he felt completely helpless.

Christian glanced up at Syed. He was still staring blankly, unshed tears filling his eyes. "David," Syed clarified. "I never thought he'd hurt me. He said he loved me but he did this to me."

Christian moved closer to Syed and sat down, close but not touching; he didn't want to upset Syed any further.

"I don't know what to say," Christian admitted truthfully. He had no experience of this, he had no idea what Syed was going through and he had no idea how he could make this better for him.

"You don't need to say anything, I just need you to be here."

"I can do that," Christian said softly, desperately wanting to touch Syed, to hold him and protect him from all the bad things in the world. He didn't though, he just contented himself with sitting next to him, to let him know that he was there for him.

"I know that you need time so when you're ready and you need to talk I'll be here for you. I'm not going anywhere," Christian reassured his love.

"I think I want to lie down for a while," Syed replied, avoiding what Christian had said. He slowly and gingerly stood up and limped over to the bed, keeping his back to Christian the entire time.

Although he hadn't acknowledged what Christian had said, he appreciated it greatly. It was comforting to know that he had someone there for him.

At least he wasn't completely alone even if it felt like it now.


	10. Chapter 10

**A/N: One more chapter after thie**

**Chapter Ten**

Christian groaned after having spent a night sleeping on the sofa, not wanting to disturb or scare Syed by sharing the bed with him. He understood that Syed needed space and he was willing to give him that.

He sat up on the sofa and saw that Syed was not in the bed. Christian felt a pang of fear run through him before he heard the shower running. He headed towards the bathroom to check on Syed. The door was slightly ajar so Christian pushed it open. He saw Syed curled up on the floor of the shower, the water beating down on him, his skin red raw. He was sobbing.

"Syed?" Christian said gently, not wanting to startle him. "Sy, are you okay?"

"I wanted to feel clean," Syed cried. "I don't feel clean."

"Come on, let's get you out of there," Christian turned off the shower and handed Syed his robe. Syed slowly stood up and hobbled back into the living room. "Maybe it would be best if you spoke to a professional. They might be able to help."

"Yeah, because my last attempt at speaking to a therapist went so well."

"That was different, he was trying to cure you of being gay. A proper therapist would be able to help you talk things through, work things out in your head."

"They can't. How can they help me when I don't know how to help me?"

"Then maybe they can help you work it out."

"I don't want to speak to anyone, I just want to be left alone," Syed almost shouted.

"You need to talk to someone."

"No, I'm fine! I'm okay!"

"You're not okay, you can't be okay. It's okay to not be fine."

"Just leave me alone, please," Syed begged, his voice cracking from the emotion and Christian knew he had to leave it for the moment.

"Okay," Christian sighed. "How about I go and get us some breakfast?"

Syed didn't speak but he nodded slightly so Christian took that as his cue to leave. "I'll be back soon," he promised. Syed just stood and stared as Christian grabbed his jacket and headed out of the flat.

Syed immediately felt a wave of panic rush over him. He didn't want to be alone. He didn't want to push Christian away, he needed him there with him. He felt as though he couldn't breathe, his chest had tightened to the point where he thought he was going to pass out. Syed collapsed to the floor and wrapped his arms around his knees, his head resting on his knees as he tried desperately to gain control.

* * *

Christian felt guilty leaving Syed alone in the flat but he didn't know what else to do. Syed was shutting him out and he didn't know how he could get through to him. He needed to get Syed to open up to him, Syed needed to confront what had happened to him head on and talk about it. All Christian had to do was convince Syed of that.

Roxy had been calling him but he didn't want to speak with her. He didn't want to speak with anyone except Syed and he was the one person who wouldn't open up. Christian made the decision to make Syed talk once and for all. He didn't know how he would do it but by the end of the day he would have Syed talking about what happened.

"Oi Christian!" He heard a voice calling out behind him. It was Roxy. "I've been calling you for ages. It would have been nice to tell me what's going on."

"I'm sorry, Rox, but I've had some other stuff to worry about."

"Is everything okay? You don't look like you've slept. Did you find Syed?"

Christian couldn't find the words to answer his best friend, instead he broke down crying.

"Babe, what's wrong? Come on, let's get you back to mine and we can have a proper talk," Roxy led Christian back to her flat and deposited him down on the sofa. "You gonna tell me what's wrong," she said as she handed him a glass of vodka.

"I don't know where to start," Christian croaked as he took a sip of the strong alcoholic liquid.

"Is it about Syed?" Christian nodded dumbly. "Is he okay?"

"He's not okay."

"So I take it he was missing and didn't just wander off."

"His ex took him… erm took him back to their old flat. He…he called me so I went to get him and… and… oh God… Rox…" Christian couldn't finish as he dissolved into tears again. Roxy understood and sat down next to him, pulling her best friend in to tight hug.

"I'm sorry, I'm so, so sorry," she soothed. "Did you call the police?"

"Yeah, I took him straight to the hospital and the doctor called the police."

"How's Syed coping?"

"He's not. He's not coping at all. I don't know what to do. I can't say anything or do anything that's going to make him better because there are no words. I don't know what he's going through and I can't help him. He won't even talk to me."

"Maybe he can't talk to you because he doesn't know how to, or maybe he hasn't worked everything out in his own head. It's a horrible thing to have to go through, you should just be there for him and when he's ready to talk he will."

* * *

_He wanted to scream out in pain but the gag stopped him. It hurt so much, he never thought he would ever experience pain like this. It wasn't just the physical pain that ripped through him every time David pushed into him, the emotional pain was far worse. He felt like his soul was being torn to shreds. The tears flowed down his face but there was nothing he could do to stop them._

"_Hush, don't cry my love. Just relax and enjoy it."_

* * *

Syed woke with a start and ran to the toilet to throw up. Every time he closed his eyes he was transported back to that flat. Every movement, every action was as clear as day in his dreams and it terrified him. He couldn't sleep, he couldn't even eat because the smallest morsel of food made him feel ill. He wanted Christian, he needed Christian.

But Christian wasn't there. He'd gone and Syed was all alone. He started to panic and he felt as though he couldn't breathe, his chest felt so tight. He made his way back into the living room and sat on the bed, hugging his legs tightly as he tried to calm himself down. He didn't want to be alone, he wanted Christian.

Christian knew something was very wrong the moment he re-entered the flat. Syed was curled up on the bed sobbing desperately and he didn't even notice Christian's presence.

"Syed? Sy, are you okay?" Syed didn't respond. Christian felt the worry wash over him once more as he rushed over to the bed and sat down near Syed, but not touching. "Sy," he said gently. Syed seemed to notice him this time.

"Christian!" He cried out and threw his arms around his surprised lover. Christian didn't know how to act for a moment but eventually he wrapped his strong arms around Syed's waist and began comforting the younger man.

They didn't move for a long time, Syed clung onto Christian as though his life depended on it and Christian just sat there, allowing him to cry but offering him as much comfort as he could. After a while the sobs died down and Syed simply lay in Christian's arms silently.

"Thank you," Syed said some time later, his voice hoarse and cracked from crying.

"How are you feeling?"

"Tired mostly," Syed confessed. "I keep having nightmares and I don't want to sleep. I think maybe you're right, I do need to talk to someone."

"The doctor who treated you gave me a number, we could call them if you like?" Syed didn't speak but he did nod. "I'll phone him now," Christian moved away from the bed and grabbed his phone while he looked for the number.

Syed lay down on the bed and for the first time since he had left the hospital he felt peaceful. He felt like eventually things could be okay.


	11. Chapter 11

**A/N: Final chapter. Enjoy :D**

**Chapter Eleven**

"I don't want to feel like this anymore."

"Like what?"

"Like I'm a victim."

"You're not a victim, you're so strong and brave."

"It doesn't feel like it."

"You are."

"It's only because I have you to help me."

"As great as I am you are seriously underestimating my skills. You have this bright light burning inside you and nothing can put it out. Something truly awful happened to you but you're still here, you're still standing. You are the most amazing man I have ever met."

"I'm glad you're here. It makes everything seem more bearable when you're next to me."

"Well, I'm not going anywhere."

"I love you."

"I love you too, Sy."

It had been hard, the last couple of months but things were starting to settle down. Syed had been seeing a counsellor twice a week and was making progress. He could now talk to Christian openly about what had happened and his feelings on the subject.

He still had nightmares though, often really bad ones that left him shaking and crying in his sleep with Christian desperately trying to wake him up. He rarely spoke about his nightmares with Christian though, but he did talk about them to his therapist.

Christian made sure that everything they did was on Syed's terms so not to scare him away. Syed had become comfortable with Christian touching him, holding him and even kissing him but they hadn't made love since though, which Christian understood but it didn't stop him from feeling frustrated from time to time.

"How's it going with the therapist?"

"Good. I actually feel a lot better because of it."

"Sy?"

"Yeah Christian?"

"I have a suggestion to run by you. If you say no then that's okay but I just want to ask."

"What is it?"

"Now that I'm better and cancer free and now that you're here I was wondering how you'd feel about Laura coming to live with us."

"What brought this on?"

"It was always meant to be the plan, things just got thrown to the side of the road. I wouldn't do anything without talking to you first though. I know you've been through a lot so the final decision is up to you."

"I'd like it."

"Really?"

"Yeah, it would be nice to have her around."

"We'd need to find a bigger place to live."

"Then we'll find a bigger place to live, it's not a problem."

"Are you sure about this?"

"Yes I'm sure. A year ago I wasn't ready for any of this but now I am. It's been a horrible year for me but things are finally starting to get better. I want to be with you, I know it might not seem like it sometimes. I know there are days when I can't even let you touch me but I appreciate everything you've done for me. You could have walked away after what happened but you didn't. Thank you for that."

Syed shifted in Christian's arms so they were snuggled close together. He closed his eyes and breathed in the unmistakable scent of Christian. He felt so calm and relaxed in that moment, something he hadn't felt since he'd been attacked.

"I would just feel a lot safer if they'd caught David."

After the attack, Syed's ex had disappeared and so far the police had not been able to catch him. This terrified Syed because as long as he was out there then there was always the possibility that he could come back and finish what he had started. That thought had caused Syed more panic attacks than anything about the entire incident and no matter how much Christian promised that he would protect him, Syed couldn't help but feel terrified at the thought.

"They'll get him eventually."

"I hope so, I don't want to feel this way forever."

"You won't. There'll come a day when you'll wake up and your first thought will be about something mundane like 'do the bins go out today?' and you'll be fine."

"You really are the most amazing person aren't you?"

"That's what I'm here for."

They fell into a comfortable silence, neither one of them wanting to break it by talking. They stayed like that for what seemed like hours until Syed finally broke the silence.

"Christian?"

"Yeah?"

"I know it's been hard for you with me not ready to be intimate with you."

"I've had easier challenges in life."

"You've been so patient and understanding and although I'm not ready to fully make love with you I do think I'm ready to start being intimate with you, if you know what I mean."

"I know what you mean and I understand. But there is something else I want to ask you."

"And what's that."

"Now that we're back together and we're going to have Laura living with us I just wanted to ask if you would marry me…"

* * *

**A/N2: Yes, I'm ending it there (bit evil really). I do intend to continue this in another story, I just thought that was the best place to wrap things up for this story and I want to get my other fic finished first**


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